Although in many cultures babies don’t wear nappies, either because they don’t have any or because tradition does things differently, in the West we have for many decades put babies in nappies from birth so that we can keep both their wee and their poo under control.
I believe that when we get a baby used to something because it suits us, we should be as respectful as possible when it comes to helping them out of the habit. That is why it’s important to remember that respectful potty training is not a one-off event marked on a calendar, but a process that goes hand in hand with the development of their independence, with its ups and downs.
📑 In this article
⏳ When is your little one really ready?
The first step is to understand that there is no “ideal age” to come out of nappies respectfully. The Haizea-Llevant studies of psychomotor development, which the routine child health check-ups at Spanish paediatric clinics are based on, tell us that at 30 months only 50% of children have bladder and bowel control. At 36 months, 75% of little ones do, and it isn’t until 42 months (three and a half years) that 95% have it.
This means every little one has their own pace, and it is not true that nappies have to come off at 2 years old. Nor is it true that it has to happen in September, when they start school. Hence the following word of caution: pushing this process too early can lead to frustration, refusal and constipation. So rather than focusing on their age, we should look out for clear signs of readiness:
Physical and neuromotor signs
- More time starts to pass between one wet or dirty nappy and the next.
- They can walk, run and climb stairs.
- They know how to pull their pants down and back up again, even if they need help.
Cognitive and communication signs
- They understand words related to wee, poo and the potty.
- They recognise the feeling of needing to go and say so before they do (even if they still have an accident).
- They show interest in what adults (or other children) do in the bathroom.
Emotional maturity and a pressure-free environment
- They want to do things for themselves: they are leaving the baby stage behind, becoming more and more independent in every way (drinking from a cup, no longer using a dummy, putting on and taking off some clothes, clearing away dirty plates…).
- They understand that they can express emotions and that their actions and words can change how we behave.
- They are not going through a big emotional change (the arrival of a baby brother or sister, moving house, starting nursery…).
🛠️ Tips for respectful potty training
Supporting respectful potty training is above all about making the path easier, without forcing or imposing. Remember: you put the nappy on, so let your little one be the one to take it off.
Create a prepared, safe environment
Put a potty within easy reach, add a toilet seat reducer with a step so they can rest their feet (if they feel unsteady they won’t want to sit down) and keep the nappies in the bathroom.
Set up routines without pressure
If you think they might be ready, you can offer them some time without a nappy. If the weather allows, it can help to leave them bare from the waist down. At some point they will need a wee or a poo, and they will probably do it on the floor. That way they can understand what wee is and how they did it, what poo is and what it felt like to do it.
They will also understand (sometimes they need a little help) that poo is not a part of their body, and that the place it should go is the toilet, because that is where we will flush it away.
This is a good moment to explain what has just happened:
“I can see you’ve done a wee / poo. I’m going to clean it up. Come with me, I’m going to put the poo in the toilet, so we can say bye-bye and you can flush. Next time, you can do it in a nappy, in the potty or in the toilet. You tell me and we’ll go to the bathroom, OK?”
So, every time it happens, we explain this same thing until one day they tell us and we can go with them to the bathroom, asking them what they would prefer: “Do you want a nappy, the potty or the toilet?” (best in this order, because if the last thing you say is “nappy”, they are more likely to choose it). And let them choose whatever they think is best. Their decision will always be valid, because what we really want is for them to gain bladder and bowel control, and where they do it doesn’t matter.
Important: there is no need to sit your little one on the potty or toilet every so often, or to set times. Simply wait for them to tell you. That said, we should offer a trip to the bathroom at key moments of the day (before sleep and if we are going out), and let them see that we go at those times too. But without making them go if they don’t want to.
Choose clothes and shoes that are easy to take off
Once they are starting to tell you, and since sometimes they will do so late or with only just enough time, it’s a good idea to use trousers with an elasticated waist, without buttons or braces, and sneakers without laces that are easy to clean. The more independent they can be, the better.
Treat accidents calmly and as normal
Talk about accidents in a matter-of-fact way: “You’ve done a wee. Let’s get changed. Next time you can tell me and we’ll go to the bathroom.” The important thing is never to mock or punish.
Encourage them to take part in changing their clothes
Let them choose their pants, take their trousers off and put them on, help to clean themselves…
Use stories and games to help them know what to expect
Many children’s books deal with toilet training. They are a great tool for talking about this process in a natural way. You can also play anything at all with soft toys and dolls and, suddenly, one of them needs the toilet and says “Hang on, I need a wee”, stops playing and goes to the bathroom to wee (we take the soft toy, put it on the little one’s seat reducer and say “Psssss”). This way they will keep seeing it as normal and understanding even more about everything to do with going to the toilet.
Better not to praise
It isn’t terrible to praise a little one when they do what is expected, but some children get so excited by the praise that they are disappointed when they then have an accident, and feel they have done something wrong, because of course there is no praise. It is better to treat every step of learning as normal: the successes and the mistakes, without praising or scolding either.
What to do if there is no clear progress
Even if we are doing everything respectfully, we may notice that our little one doesn’t tell us, that days go by without progress, and that they may even start to feel stressed about it. In that case, it is better to tell them that we are going to put the nappy back on, and that they can try again in a few weeks (which is why it matters that nobody has told them “you’re not wearing a nappy any more because you’re not a baby now / you’re a big boy or girl now”).
🌙 What about at night? Respectful night-time potty training
Night-time control is a slower physiological process, which can happen months or even years after daytime control. The easiest way to know when they are ready to stop using a night nappy is to see how they wake up. When your little one wakes up dry for several nights in a row, you can offer to let them try sleeping without a nappy.
