"Help me to do it by myself." — Maria Montessori
You've surely heard it a thousand times: "Me do it!" is one of the classic cries of childhood, alongside "It's mine!" and "Mummy!"
That moment when your son or daughter is about to get dressed or put their shoes on, decides they're going to eat without help 🍴 or pour their own water, because they know (or think) they can.
It's the beginning of their personal autonomy as a child, and the beginning of that phase when you think "Lord, take me now" or, a little less dramatically, "Lord, let this phase pass quickly". Because if you let them do it, you'll be nurturing their autonomy and your patience, but at the same time you'll notice the seed of anxiety living in your chest sprouting now and then.
If you've ever felt torn between tenderness and impatience watching your little one struggle to pull up a sock, or to press the lift button when they clearly can't reach it, or watched them eat by picking the food up with one hand to put it on the spoon, bring it to their mouth and see it fall off again, this post is for you.
📑 In this article
What is children's autonomy and why does it matter?
Children's autonomy is the ability little ones gradually develop to do things by themselves, make decisions, learn from their mistakes and look after themselves as far as is right for their age. It can range from choosing the clothes they want to wear (wellies on a sunny 34-degree day, or shorts on a cold, stormy morning) to trying to eat with a spoon.
These may seem like trivial things, but in fact it goes much further, because it has to do with the ability to feel capable and secure by taking part in the decisions that directly affect their life and wellbeing.
So it isn't something as simple as "letting them do it", but rather letting them know and feel that we trust them. Because when a child feels they can, that we trust them because they're competent, the magic happens. They learn to work things out, to make mistakes without fear and to ask for help when they need it. In short, their personal autonomy takes shape and their overall development flourishes, because we're telling them: I trust you, I know you can do it, and I'm here if you need me.
The "Me do it!" moment: the needs behind independence
When your little one surprises you one fine day (usually around the age of 2) with the words "Me do it!", they're making a great declaration of independence. Behind it there's no rebellion or whim, they're not challenging you; it's a vital need: to explore the world through their own experience 🔬.
They want to put their Feroces on by themselves, even if they end up on the wrong feet. They want to eat their yoghurt by themselves, even if half of it ends up spread between their T-shirt and the table. They want to climb into the car by themselves and do up their own harness (this would be a good answer here: "I understand you want to do it yourself. Go ahead, and then I'll finish fastening it properly"; safety is non-negotiable).
As we talked about the other day, they need to try, to get it wrong and to feel frustrated if they don't manage it. They need to look for new solutions, make new attempts, and get it wrong again. Until at last they manage it and feel ever so proud.
"Children should be able to do their own experimenting and their own research. Adults can guide them by providing appropriate materials, but the essential thing is that, in order for a child to understand something, he must construct it himself." — Jean Piaget
And all of this is a wonderful learning process that we should accompany with patience, affection and humour. Yes, humour too. Because when they tell you they've got dressed and you see they look like a Picasso painting, you'll laugh (but please, don't let them see you do it; don't let them feel you're laughing at their effort or at the result). Laugh on the inside, take a photo that will become a family story and take it in that spirit, because otherwise you risk ending up giving in.
How to encourage children's autonomy without getting frustrated
Autonomy isn't taught, it's accompanied. Here are a few keys:
- 👕 Offer simple options: make sure they have comfortable clothes they can put on and take off. Shoes that are easy to put on. This is where the Feroz barefoot shoe philosophy makes a lot of sense: these are shoes designed so that little ones can put them on by themselves, building confidence and autonomy. Likewise, put their cups and cutlery within reach, along with the water they want to pour, napkins… and even a little cloth to wipe the crumbs off the table.
- 📅 Create visual routines: with photos, drawings or routine charts, you can organise the day so they know what to do, and when, without relying on adults.
- ⏳ Give them time: hurry is the enemy of autonomy. If they need five more minutes to put their coat on, let them have it. If one day you don't have the time, use tact and validate their feelings: "Sweetheart, I know you want to put your jacket on all by yourself. And I love that. But we're running late. Today I'll do it up for you, but we'll try to leave earlier so you can do it yourself every day." Will they cry and complain even if you say this? Yes, very likely. But at least you'll be able to leave quickly, arrive on time, and you won't have been disrespectful to them.
- 🧼 Accept the mess: learning means getting messy, making mistakes and trying again. It's part of the process, and that's how we should see it. You're living with a human cub. It would be worrying if they didn't make a mess…
- 🤗 Ask for help when needed: autonomy doesn't mean always doing everything alone. It also means learning to say "I can't, will you help me?". And for us to come with affection and patience to lend a hand as a guide.
And something essential: don't correct straight away. Accompanying isn't leaving them alone, nor doing things for them. It's being present and available, watching and stepping in when they ask for help or when you genuinely feel they need it.
The benefits of children's autonomy
When we support the development of children's autonomy without pressure, the benefits multiply:
- Greater self-esteem and self-confidence.
- Better development of fine and gross motor skills.
- A greater ability to make decisions and resolve conflicts, and more patience, which is wonderful preparation for life.
- A better relationship with mistakes.
- More respectful and empathetic relationships at home.
Conclusion: supporting autonomy with patience and respect
"Me do it!" can be a challenge for families, but above all it's a gift. It's children's way of showing us that they're growing, that they feel capable and that they want to have a go. Our role is to be by their side to accompany them with patience, empathy and trust.
"Never do for a child what he is capable of doing for himself." — Rudolf Dreikurs
That way, autonomy doesn't become a battle, but an opportunity to grow together. Because there's nothing lovelier than watching our little ones discover what they're capable of, knowing that we'll always be there for them if they stumble.
