Picture the scene: it’s your nephew’s birthday. There are balloons, cake, lots of children, games and wrapping paper everywhere. Your four-year-old watches wide-eyed as the birthday boy opens his presents. And then that moment comes: “Mummy, where are my presents?”
With all the love in the world, you reply: “Sweetheart, you don’t get any presents: it’s not your birthday today.” And your child’s face starts to change by the second, until the storm breaks. The tears come, they throw themselves on the floor and there it is: the scene no adult wants to star in, right in the middle of a party.
At that moment, as a parent, you face a real dilemma: should I have given them something? Do I buy anything at all right now so they don’t make an even bigger scene, or do I use this as a chance to teach them something important?
This article is here to help you answer that question calmly and with perspective, by understanding what is going on inside your child when they don’t get what they want, why learning to wait is an essential skill, and how you can validate their emotions without having to change reality.
📑 In this article
- Children’s birthday parties: when we want to avoid conflict at all costs
- What happens inside your child when they don’t get the same
- Why learning to wait matters in childhood
- How to help them tolerate waiting without adding to their frustration
- What to do when your child gets upset at a birthday party
- The mistake of making up for it with presents
- Conclusion
Children’s birthday parties: when we want to avoid conflict at all costs
Many families have the best of intentions. Nobody wants to see their child suffer, and nobody wants to be the centre of attention at a party when it isn’t their child’s birthday. Least of all because their child has gone into full tantrum mode.
That is why a practice many of us know well has become widespread: handing out little gifts or party favours to all the children at a birthday party, so nobody goes home empty-handed.
The reasons are understandable. It is done to keep the peace, to avoid tantrums, and so the other children’s parents don’t have to deal with their children’s frustration there and then.
And yes, it is a perfectly acceptable solution: “It’s my birthday, you give me big, important things and I give you a little something.” The problem comes when your child doesn’t want the little something, but a toy on the same scale as the ones the birthday child is getting.
And there are mums and dads who, to avoid that moment, give their own little one a present too.
What is avoided in that instant is a tantrum, yes. But so is a huge opportunity to learn that cannot easily be recovered.
What happens inside your child when they don’t get the same
Young children live in the absolute present, in the here and now. So when they see a present, they want it. I always explain it the same way: “I don’t want a bath, I’m playing.” And moments later: “I don’t want to get out of the bath, I’m playing.”
So in that moment there is no filter, no waiting, no perspective. A child’s brain, still very much developing, does not yet have the tools to reason “that present is my cousin’s, I’ll get mine on my birthday”. That kind of reflection is something they have to learn, and they will, with time, support and experience.
On top of this comes social comparison, which appears early on. Children notice what others have and compare it with what they have. They don’t do it out of spite; they do it because it is part of their cognitive and social development. When the child next to them has a present in their hands and yours doesn’t, that contrast is felt with an intensity we adults sometimes underestimate. What’s more, they could be holding exactly the same thing, and they would still want what the other child has!
But back to the tantrum: it is not a calculated reaction to get what they want. It is the only way a child of that age has of expressing an emotion that overwhelms them. A tantrum is communication. With the resources they have, they are telling you that they are frustrated, that they don’t understand, that they need help to get through that moment.
Why learning to wait matters in childhood
Teaching a child to wait is not achieved by asking them to be quiet or ignoring their feelings, but by supporting their emotions so that they can tolerate the time between wanting something and getting it. And that can be months away. A very long time.
The ability to wait is directly linked to self-control, emotional regulation and tolerance of frustration. Children who learn to wait tend, in the medium and long term, to find it less difficult to handle situations that don’t go as they expected, because they learn to tolerate a certain level of frustration.
Frustration is unpleasant, but it doesn’t cause harm. Not necessarily. It is part of life, because we can’t control what happens to us. But we can decide what we do with what happens to us, and this lesson is perhaps one of the most valuable we can pass on to our children: “I understand what you want, but I can’t give it to you. Even so, I’m going to be with you so you can learn to handle it.” Well done, Mum (or Dad).
How to help them tolerate waiting without adding to their frustration
The key is to prepare the ground before the difficult moment arrives. If you are taking your child to a birthday party, a few minutes beforehand you can do something very simple: tell them what is going to happen.
“We’re going to Lucía’s birthday party. She’s going to open her presents because it’s her special day. You won’t be getting any presents today, but we’re going to have a lovely time together.”
There’s no need for a big speech; it is simply about letting them know in advance about a moment that will soon be their “uncomfortable present”, so that when it comes, they know what is going to happen. This gives them a map of the situation which, while it doesn’t guarantee there will be no frustration, makes it more manageable.
In everyday life you can also practise waiting in small situations: waiting their turn in a game, waiting for food to be ready, or waiting for you to finish ironing a shirt before you sit down together to read a story.
In reality, there’s no need to force it either: we make them wait a lot, very often. It is simply about helping them understand waiting, so their ability to tolerate frustration keeps growing.
Validating emotions without changing reality
Validating a child’s emotions means acknowledging what they feel without trying to correct it, play it down or fix it at all costs. It isn’t telling them they are right. It is telling them that what they feel makes sense.
There is a key difference between validating and giving in, and confusing the two is one of the most common mistakes parents make. Validating is saying: “I know it’s hard. I understand you’d like to have a present too.” Giving in is buying them a toy on the way home so they stop crying. They are two completely different things. You can do the first without doing the second.
Some phrases that work in moments of frustration:
- “I can see you’re really cross. That’s normal; it’s hard to watch other people getting things.”
- “I understand you’d like to have one too. That makes a lot of sense.”
- “I’m here with you while you feel like this.”
These phrases don’t solve the problem. Your child won’t stop crying because they hear them, but they do something more important: they tell them that their emotion is valid and that they are not alone with it.
What to do when your child gets upset at a birthday party
First, regulate yourself. If you panic or feel embarrassed, it will be very hard for you to support your child. Breathe. Remember that this is normal and you can handle it.
Second, be with them physically. Get down to their level, touch them if they’re happy for you to, and speak softly.
Third, hold the limit respectfully. “I understand you’re cross. But there’s no present for you today. Today is Laura’s birthday.” No negotiating, no opening the door to “if you’re good, maybe…”. The message needs to be clear and firm, but said calmly and lovingly.
- You can read more about limits in our comprehensive guide to respectful parenting with limits.
And fourth, hold the emotion without changing reality. They may cry for a while. They may protest. That’s fine. Your job isn’t to stop them feeling, but to be with them while they feel.
The mistake of making up for it with presents: when we avoid conflict but lose the learning
There is an important difference between giving guests a small thank-you gift and buying your child a present so they don’t cry. The first is a lovely and perfectly reasonable gesture. The second is a solution that avoids the discomfort of the moment at the expense of something more valuable: learning.
When a child grows up in an environment where they always get something to make up for what others receive, they start to build an expectation: I’ll always get something too. And when that expectation comes up against reality (which doesn’t work like that), it will lead to frustration that is much harder to handle than at a one-off birthday party. When that day comes, heaven help you.
What your child gains when they learn to wait
A child who learns to wait gains much more than it seems at the time. They gain emotional regulation: every experience they get through is practice for the next ones. They gain patience and self-control, tools they will need all their lives. And they gain something precious: the ability to fully enjoy their own moment. When their birthday comes, they will know that day is theirs. And that is worth a great deal.
Common mistakes when teaching children to wait
Giving in to avoid a tantrum. When we give in to a tantrum, the child learns that if they complain enough, they get what they want, even when you didn’t want to give it to them. This is a real risk, because they may end up believing that every limit can be crossed if they cry hard enough.
- Find out more in our guide on what to do when your child has a tantrum in public.
Playing down what they feel. “It’s not a big deal”, “that’s enough now”, “other children have less than you”. These phrases don’t help the child manage their emotion; they invalidate it.
Comparing them with other children. “Look, the others aren’t crying.” Comparing doesn’t help them regulate; it shames them, and makes them feel that what they feel is wrong. That feeling itself is wrong.
Signs you’re doing well (even when there’s frustration)
Sometimes, in the middle of the chaos, we need to know we are on the right track. These are signs that you are. If, as time goes on, you notice that:
- Your child expresses what they feel, even through tears or protest, rather than shutting down or exploding out of control.
- They protest, but end up accepting the situation, even if it takes a while.
- Getting through moments of frustration becomes a little easier each time.
- They seek you out when they’re upset, because they know you’re there.
- After the difficult moment, they can go back to playing and having fun.
None of these signs means there is no frustration. It means they are learning to handle it. And that is exactly what we are aiming for.
Conclusion
Avoiding conflict isn’t parenting. It is putting it off, and buying a ticket to a bigger problem in the future.
Giving a small gift at a birthday party is a lovely gesture; buying your child a present so they don’t cry is something else entirely.
When we let them get through the discomfort of not getting what they want, with us by their side supporting them, we are giving them something far more valuable than any toy: the ability to regulate themselves, to wait and to know that their emotions are valid, even when reality doesn’t change.
Raising children well isn’t easy, but it’s worth trying. And you, reading this and looking for how to do it better, are already supporting your child in the most important way: by being present and thinking about their real wellbeing, not just about relief in the moment.
