Perhaps you've heard one of these phrases before, at the school gate, or even at home, from the person who looks after your little one:
"Go now while they're distracted, then they won't cry."
"Slip away while they're playing, before they notice."
People say it without any ill intent, thinking the goal is to stop the little one crying, without realising that few things can cause as much confusion and distress in a young child as discovering that mum or dad has disappeared without warning.
And it's no exaggeration: for a baby or toddler, that sudden disappearance is a bit like reality, as they're just beginning to understand it, no longer making sense: my mum has vanished into thin air!
That's why today I want to talk to you about something essential for their development: secure attachment. Why it matters so much, and how we can nurture it every day, even in those unavoidable moments of separation.
📑 In this article
What is secure attachment and why does it matter? 🧠
Attachment is the emotional bond a baby forms with their attachment figures —usually mother, father or main caregivers— which allows them to feel protected, loved and understood.
John Bowlby, the British psychiatrist and father of attachment theory, summed it up in an idea that changed the way we think about care:
"The need for attachment is not a sign of weakness, but an essential part of human nature."
When a child feels secure with their attachment figures, their brain can relax. And instead of being on alert, instead of worrying about survival, they can devote themselves to playing, learning, exploring and growing. In other words: to developing.
That's why responding to, caring for, holding and comforting your little one day to day isn't overprotecting them, as many people believe, but offering a stable base from which they can set off without fear, knowing there will always be somewhere to come back to.
Key features of secure attachment
Many people worry about attachment with their baby or toddler, and believe that for a secure attachment bond to develop you need to be little short of a perfect parent. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your presence, consistency and empathy are enough.
Mary Ainsworth, the psychologist who developed the famous "Strange Situation" to assess the bond between mothers and children, explained it like this:
"Parents' sensitivity to the child's signals is at the heart of secure attachment."
1. Trust that mum and dad always come back
Babies aren't born knowing that things still exist when they can't see them. This concept, called object permanence, develops at around 8-12 months. Before that, if you leave, if they can't see you, if they can't smell you, you stop existing. That's why they cry if you go into another room. And even when you come back and tell them "But sweetheart, I only went out for a moment, I was coming straight back", they still have tears in their eyes and that pouting face, as if replying "Yes, but I didn't know any of that". That's why they need to check again and again that when you go, you always come back.
2. The calm to explore their surroundings 🧭
When a child knows their attachment figures are stable and predictable, they can move away with confidence. That inner security allows them to play, socialise and try things out without fear.
The opposite would be feeling that mum and/or dad respond erratically: sometimes, when they cry, their parents come to comfort them; but other times they don't. Faced with that uncertainty, the little one starts to feel that exploring, trying new things, may be dangerous, because if they need their parents, they might not come.
3. Freedom to express emotions
Secure attachment doesn't prevent difficult emotions: it welcomes them. A securely attached child can cry, get angry or feel afraid, because they've learnt that their feelings don't push them away from their parents' love, but bring them closer to it.
And no, I'm not talking about being permissive about their actions: "I understand you're angry. It's normal to get angry and you have every right to. But I can't let you hurt me". If you notice, the emotion is allowed and validated, but they aren't allowed to hurt others with that emotion.
4. Emotional security as the foundation of independence
The paradox of attachment is that the more secure a child feels, the freer they become. In other words, independence grows out of being accompanied, not out of being abandoned. Or as Eduard Punset used to say: "To be independent, you first have to be dependent".
The mistake of leaving without saying goodbye
Many parents have done it at some point, because they believe that by avoiding tears they're taking better care of their little one. It's very natural to try to cause your child as little pain as possible and yes, it may seem to work. They close the door behind them and there are no tears, no drama. But when the child looks up and finds that mum or dad has gone… what they feel isn't calm, but abandonment.
Suddenly, the security of knowing that, if they need them, they can call them or go to where they are, disappears. They're gone! And as a result, what follows are days, weeks or months in which separation anxiety intensifies:
- Tears at the slightest attempt to move away: "But darling, I'm only going to the loo… I'll be right back". Meanwhile your little one is thinking "I don't trust you, you disappear". They cry when they see you leave the room without them, or decide to follow you all around the house.
- Waking at night to check you're still there: just in case they wake up and you've disappeared.
- Fear of staying with other people: sorry, but I have an important mission. Right now I'm busy trying to stop my mum/dad from constantly vanishing.
- And that inner feeling of insecurity they don't know how to explain, because they're still too young to put it into words, let alone into thoughts.
It isn't a whim or manipulation: it's pure biology. Their brain is trying to avoid feeling that loss again, the loss that makes them feel completely vulnerable.
How to nurture secure attachment during separations
1. Always say goodbye
Even if they cry. Even if it hurts them, and it hurts you to see them like that. Even if they try to cling to you to stop you leaving or to go with you. Saying goodbye is a form of respect and trust. Can you imagine being at home with your partner and them suddenly leaving without telling you they're going, without saying goodbye?
A simple, clear sentence suited to their age is enough:
"I'm going to work. I understand you're sad, I don't like it either when people I love have to go, but I'll be back later and we can play together. I hope you have a lovely time".
And if they're under 2, it can be even shorter. While you hug them to hold their distress, tell them: "Sweetheart, I'm going to work. I understand you're sad. I'll be back later and we'll play dressing-up together".
2. Create separation and reunion routines 🔄
Children need predictable rituals. A song, a kiss on the hand, a special hug before you leave… and the same when you're back together. Those small, repeated gestures help them understand that goodbyes are always followed by reunions.
3. Stay consistent and calm
If you change how you act every day (one day you slip away, another you say goodbye, another you spend half an hour talking to them and trying to make them understand that you have to go), you add to their confusion. What they need isn't perfect parents, but predictable ones. Find your own respectful approach, and repeat it every day.
4. Encourage independence little by little
Secure attachment isn't overprotection. It's not about avoiding all discomfort, but about accompanying it. Helping your little one grow, day by day, will help them feel more secure even when you're not there: starting to dress themselves, soaping themselves at bath time, drying off with the towel, putting their plates on the table and clearing them away…
In short: saying goodbye is also an act of love
Attachment parenting isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about doing it mindfully. It's looking your child in the eye, explaining what's going to happen and trusting that their inner world can cope with it, or that little by little it will, because you're teaching them how.
As Sue Gerhardt, psychotherapist and author of "Why Love Matters", puts it:
"Early love literally shapes the child's brain. Experiences of comfort and security leave lasting biological traces."
Even if you think every goodbye is a wound, or that you're all but going to traumatise them, saying goodbye doesn't break the bond. Quite the opposite: saying goodbye strengthens it, because it builds trust.
So the next time someone tells you "go now while they can't see you", take a deep breath, smile, and remember: your child doesn't need you to spare them the tears. They need you to show them how to move through that emotion, and that they can count on you, because you always come back.
