"Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up."
— Alfred to Bruce Wayne, in Batman Begins (Christopher Nolan, 2005)
Making mistakes is not failure ❌. Making mistakes is a chance to learn, grow, try things out, take risks and have another go 🌱. And yet, as mums and dads, we find it really hard to make room for mistakes (our own and our little ones') because we associate them with suffering, frustration 😣 or even shame and weakness.
Aware of the harm most of us suffered as children, many mums and dads now want to spare them every stumble 🚫, without realising that those stumbles are actually what build their autonomy, their sense of security and their self-confidence 💪.
In other words: learning to make mistakes is essential not only in development, but in life 🌍. That's why today I want to talk about why it matters so much that we let them get things wrong, what the benefits are and how we can accompany those mistakes in a respectful, loving way ❤️ so they don't have a hard time with them.
📑 In this article
Why is learning to make mistakes important in childhood? 👶
If you look closely, during the first years of life children go through what we might call a "stage of constant trial and error" 🔄.
Being able to hold something in one hand and bring it to their mouth takes several attempts 🍽️. Learning to walk comes with plenty of falls and bumps on the head 🤕. Starting to talk goes hand in hand with lots of words that aren't quite right 🗣️. I still remember when one of my children called Pocoyo "Po". Then it became "Pocó". Then it turned into "Poyó", and finally he added the third syllable.
The same thing happens when they start to interact with others, to use a spoon 🥄, to try to dress themselves 👕… all of these are skills that take many attempts, failures and new strategies.
If every time they get something wrong we rush in to sort it all out for them, we take away their chance to experiment and, take note: to feel frustrated 😤.
And yes, it's true. Watching your son or daughter struggle with a shoe 👟 they can't get on, or with a tower of blocks 🧱 that keeps falling down, can give us a little pang in the heart 💔 that says "Oh, poor thing, I'll help." But there is enormous value in that process: discovering their own resources, persevering and feeling the satisfaction of doing it by themselves 🌟.
It's simply about finding the balance between "I'll solve your problems instantly" and "do it yourself, and if you can't, tough luck" (in case it helps as a guide, I used to say: "You try. And if you can't manage it after a few goes, I'll see how I can help you").
Mistakes as a driver of learning in childhood 🚀
At school and at home 🏫, we tend to reward the right answer: the sum done correctly ➕, the sentence with no spelling mistakes ✍️, the drawing we like 🎨, the finished task. And yet the science of children's learning tells us that what matters is not so much the result as the effort the child has put into the process; and not only that: mistakes are a more powerful driver of learning than getting things right ⚡.
When a child makes a mistake, their brain receives a warning signal that activates new neural connections 🧠. Divergent thinking kicks in and looks for new ways to reach the goal. So, if they get the chance to try again, the imprint of that process stays with them and the learning becomes much more solid 🪨.
That's why it's so important not to ridicule or punish mistakes, but to see them as part of the journey 🛤️. A child who learns they can fail without negative emotional consequences is a child who will dare to explore, to innovate and to take bigger steps in their development 🚶✨.
"I didn't fail, I just discovered 999 ways not to make a light bulb."
— Thomas Edison 💡
The weight of our own childhood 🎒
Often, if not always, the difficulty we have in letting our children make mistakes comes from our own story. From the things that were once put, or that we put, into our life's rucksack, and that we still haven't healed. They're still there and, without realising it, we pass them on to our children, into their rucksack.
When we were little, if you'll allow me the generalisation, mistakes weren't experienced as an opportunity. They were experienced as failure 😞. If we got bad marks, our parents got angry or punished us. If we raised our voice, we were accused of answering back, of being naughty or rude, and yes, we were punished for that too. Some of us were even smacked…
We weren't allowed to feel anger 😡 in a way that let us learn to move through it. We weren't allowed to feel fear either 😨: if we felt it, they did understand us at first, but when their patience ran out, they dismissed it with phrases like "That's enough, there's nothing to be scared of." And we weren't allowed to feel sadness either 😢, because if we cried we were told "Come on, it's nothing", and if we cried even more, the message was harsher still: "If you keep crying, I'll give you something to cry about."
That breeding ground meant we grew up finding it really hard to feel and move through unpleasant emotions, and afraid of getting things wrong, seeing mistakes as something shameful 🙈, a weakness to be hidden, at the risk of angering or upsetting the grown-ups. And of course, as adults, we find it very hard to acknowledge our own mistakes and say sorry 🙏, because we were taught that getting things wrong was dangerous.
That's why accompanying our children respectfully today, letting them make mistakes, is also an act of repair 💞. We don't just give them a healthier way of learning: we also give ourselves the chance to make peace with our own childhood wounds.
The benefits of letting children make mistakes 🌟
Developing creativity and problem-solving 🎨🧩. Every mistake opens the door to new solutions. If a child colours outside the lines and wants to avoid it, they'll realise they need to go more slowly as they get close to the edges of the drawing. If the tower they're building with blocks falls down, they'll learn to set the base more carefully or try different structures.
Greater confidence and self-esteem 💪💖. When a little one manages to overcome a challenge after several attempts, the satisfaction is huge. Not because it came out perfectly, but because they were able to do it alone. That "I can" experience builds self-esteem far more than if they'd managed it first time with help.
Learning to handle frustration 😤. Frustration is an unavoidable emotion. Not getting what you want first time brings rage, sadness or anger. And that's fine: learning to recognise and handle those emotions is part of growing up.
If we as adults always step in so that the child doesn't get frustrated, we're robbing them of the chance to practise that tolerance. Letting them experience frustration in a safe environment, with our calm presence, helps them build resilience. There's a phrase I always repeated to myself when I was tempted to rush in and help my children: "you learn to tolerate frustration by being frustrated".
Preparing for future challenges 🎯. Making mistakes in childhood is training for life. It prepares them for the exams that won't go perfectly 📚, for the job interviews where they won't always be chosen 💼, for the relationships in which they'll make mistakes they'll have to try to put right. A child who understands that getting things wrong isn't the end, but part of the journey, will face the future with greater strength 🛡️.
How to accompany children's mistakes respectfully
Validate emotions without judging 😢. When your child gets frustrated because they can't manage something, the first step is to validate what they feel: "I can see you're cross because it isn't working." There's no need to correct or play it down (be careful with "It's not a big deal"); just show understanding. That validation is the foundation for them to feel secure even when they make mistakes.
Value effort more than the result 🏅. If we only reward getting things right, the child learns that making mistakes is bad. But if we value effort ("I really loved seeing that you didn't give up!"), we're showing them that what matters isn't doing it perfectly, but daring to try and keeping at it.
Give them time and space to try again ⏳. Children need time. They don't learn first time, or second time. Sometimes they need ten attempts. And sometimes they'll never achieve what they set out to do (or perhaps they will in a few years, but not in a few hours or a few days). Even so, our role is to give them that space, even when the rush of everyday life pushes us to do it for them.
Yes, it may take you longer to get out of the house if you let your child try to get dressed and put their shoes on by themselves 👞. But remember that, by doing so, you're allowing them to gain autonomy, self-esteem and confidence in what they can do 🌟.
Lead by example: show that adults make mistakes too 🙋. Sometimes we think we have to be perfect in front of our children, but showing them that we make mistakes too is very valuable. Saying "Oops, I got that wrong, I'll try again" teaches them that a mistake isn't something to be ashamed of, but an opportunity to improve 🔄.
When a mistake becomes an opportunity 🌈
In short: learning that making mistakes is normal isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. Mistakes are what teach us to get back up, to persevere and to trust ourselves 💡.
As mums and dads, our challenge is to accompany those stumbles with patience, without jumping in, without ridiculing, without punishing 🚫. Only then will our children grow up knowing for certain that getting something wrong doesn't mean failing, but carrying on learning 📖.
"Failure is not something to fear; it is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."
— John Dewey ✍️
So the next time your little one tries something and can't manage it, remember: they don't need you to do it for them, they need you by their side. Their mistake is their path. And that path, even though it's full of stumbles 👣, is the one that will take them furthest 🚀.
