In recent years, respectful parenting has been gaining ground in family conversations, in schools, on social media… and in many homes where mums and dads have decided to break with the legacy of authoritarian parenting and are trying to do the best they can or, at the very least, a little better.
But alongside this growing interest, a very common and very harmful confusion has appeared: the idea that raising children with respect means not setting limits.
That anyone who advocates respectful parenting is letting their child do whatever they like, whenever they like, without stepping in, watching while their little one breaks things, bothers people, shouts, hits, screams and runs all over the place, disturbing friends and strangers alike.
And no. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Raising children with respect is not raising them without rules, without structure or without adults to hold them. Raising children with respect means understanding what a child needs at each stage of their development, and acting accordingly, even when that means saying "no", stopping, redirecting or holding space for a tantrum.
Because respect and limits are not at odds. In fact, without limits there can hardly be respect. What is at odds with respect is the fear, humiliation and punishment most of us were brought up with at home and at school.
📑 In this article
- What is respectful parenting, really?
- The big misunderstanding: respectful parenting is NOT permissiveness
- Why do children need limits?
- Limits as a framework of safety
- Parenting with limits: what it really means
- How to set respectful limits in practice
- Common mistakes when trying to parent with respect
- What a family gains when there is respect and there are limits
What is respectful parenting, really?
Respectful parenting starts from a very simple idea: children are people with rights, with emotions and with a brain that is still developing.
That implies several important things:
- Their behaviour is not always voluntary or controlled.
- They are not born knowing how to regulate their emotions, their impulses or their frustration.
- They need adults who lend them their calm, their judgement and their structure.
Raising children with respect does not mean treating a child like an adult, but adapting our expectations to their neurological and emotional maturity.
Respecting them means:
- Staying with an emotion without ridiculing it.
- Setting a limit without shouting or threatening.
- Explaining things as many times as needed, even when we know they won't fully understand yet.
- Being consistent and predictable.
And, above all, respecting them means not handing the child a responsibility they cannot take on: regulating themselves on their own.
The big misunderstanding: respectful parenting is NOT permissiveness
One of the most common mistakes is to think that, in order to raise our children differently from how we were raised, we have to do exactly the opposite. If we were punished, humiliated and shouted at, and felt that all we had were limits and unfair prohibitions, then the opposite must be to raise children without that kind of prohibition, right?
Well, no, that is not the opposite. The opposite of shouting is not staying silent, but speaking in a normal tone of voice. In the same way, the opposite of setting limits in an authoritarian way is setting limits without causing harm.
And this is the big misunderstanding. Because many families have gone for that supposed opposite which isn't one. Believing the problem was the what, and not the how. That the problem was the limits, and not the way they were set for us. And they have come to believe that, so as not to harm a child emotionally, you have to avoid any conflict. That setting limits frustrates. That frustration is bad. And that, therefore, you have to avoid saying "no".
But the reality is exactly the opposite. Children need limits to feel safe. They need to know what is expected of them. They need adults who show the way while their brain cannot yet do so.
In other words, permissiveness is not respect. Permissiveness is abandoning the adult role.
When a child decides what time they go to bed, how long they spend on screens, whether or not they hit other children, or whether they can run across to the other side of the street, we are not respecting their autonomy: we are leaving them alone with something they cannot handle. We are, in fact, being deeply irresponsible. And this carries more than obvious risks, in every sense.
Why do children need limits?
Because they are little people with a child's brain under construction, trying to understand how our society works and, at the same time, learning to behave appropriately according to our rules.
During the first years of life, and especially up to the age of 6 or 7, the areas of the brain responsible for self-control, planning and emotional regulation are not yet mature. That is why it is very common for children to:
- Shout when they are frustrated.
- Hit when shouting doesn't get them what they want.
- Get overwhelmed when something doesn't turn out as they expected.
And here comes the important part: they don't do it "because they want to", nor because they are manipulative or bad people (or badly brought up). They do it because they don't know how, and can't yet, do any better.
But careful, that doesn't mean we should just stand there watching and saying "it's normal, leave them, kids will be kids". No, no. That is where the adult comes in, to set a clear, firm and respectful limit: "You can't manage this on your own. I'm here to help you."
And that, even if it sometimes leads to anger or tears, is deeply protective. It's like the player who doesn't feel like listening to their coach, because they make them do lots of hard exercises, but who then finds that they get the results they wanted: "Mum, Dad, sometimes you're such a drag. But hey, when I listen to you, everything seems to go better."
Limits as a framework of safety
Limits are not a cultural invention or an educational fad. They are an evolutionary need. To understand this, we need to look at child development and at how the brain works.
Children are born with the most rational part of the brain still under construction, and it will take many years to reach what we would consider mature development (between 25 and 30 years, in fact). That is why, throughout all that time, and above all in early childhood, children need adults to act as their "external brain". The idea of an external brain is a rather vivid way of describing ourselves as guides, or as Jiminy Crickets, who walk alongside them as we go about shaping, moderating and giving form to their behaviour.
Limits provide safety
A clear and consistent limit tells the child: "Someone is looking after me. There is a framework. I'm not alone."
Emotional security does not come from permissiveness, but from knowing what you can and cannot do, and from seeing that the adult always responds in a predictable way, and that what they say makes some sense. When limits are clear, the world stops being chaotic and becomes understandable.
That is why leaving a little one entirely to their own devices is condemning them to feel emotionally and socially lost. They will have a very hard time, and they will demand, through very challenging behaviour, authority figures who can guide them. Do you remember the first time you walked into IKEA? I made sure I went with someone who knew how to get in and how to get out, because I was perfectly capable of getting lost (and there are arrows).
Limits teach self-control
A little one's self-control doesn't appear because we demand it. Telling them "Control yourself!" has worked on exactly zero children in the whole of history, so we have to accompany them while they learn. And for that, they need a series of experiences in which the adult sets the limit and stays with the emotion that comes up.
"Don't draw on the wall." "No, not on that other wall either." "Nor that one." "We don't draw on any walls." "Oh, well, yes. On this one you can, because it's a chalkboard wall." "We draw on chalkboard walls, but not on walls that aren't chalkboards." "Oh, well, yes. We can draw on this wall, because it's the school wall and we're making a mural."
So which is it, do we draw on walls or don't we? Well, yes, but no, but sometimes. For a child, limits are not easy to understand, and they need to test them several times so that we can narrow them down and help them make sense.
That is why the child first regulates with the adult. Later, they learn to regulate like the adult. And only at the end will they be able to regulate in their own way, without needing the adult.
Limits prepare them for adult life
Adult life is full of limits: social, professional, legal, emotional... A child who grows up without them doesn't become freer, but less prepared.
Setting limits is not about making childhood harder, it's about practising skills: tolerating frustration, accepting a "no", learning to wait, learning to negotiate, being cautious in certain situations and with certain people, knowing when you've got it wrong, saying sorry, putting right the mistakes you may have made...
Limits strengthen the bond
Although it may seem contradictory, well-set limits don't break the bond, they strengthen it. Because a child bonds more securely when they feel that the adult is firm, stable and protective.
A limit sends a very powerful message: "I love you enough to look after you, even when you don't like it."
I'm sure that those of you reading this had a teacher who, in some way, changed your life for the better. Or whom you simply remember with great affection. I'm sure they were very clear about the limits in your relationship, that they let you know what they were and that, even so, you felt they were fair and logical.
Parenting with limits: what it really means
To keep untangling the knot, so that no doubts remain by the end, let's clarify a few ideas.
What limits are
Limits are clear and consistent frameworks that protect the child, others and the adult themselves. They are decisions the adult makes to ensure physical, emotional and relational safety.
That said, as the little one grows, some of these decisions can be agreed, talked through and negotiated. Because not every home has the same limits, and not all of them are equally important.
What limits are not
Limits are not shouting, threats, emotional blackmail or arbitrary impositions. Nor are they endless negotiations or never-ending explanations in which we seem to be apologising or justifying ourselves forever (because children end up feeling that, deep down, not even we believe what we are trying to explain).
And no, limits are not punishments either. Because while limits protect, punishments harm. While limits teach, punishments impose. While limits aim for learning, punishments aim for obedience. And while limits accompany, punishments threaten.
Punishment is, in fact, a consequence imposed with the intention of causing fear, guilt or pain in order to change a behaviour. It was not created to seek understanding or repair, but to cause harm and bring about submission.
For a long time it was believed to be the best way to bring up children: if they do something well, they get a reward. If they do something wrong, they are punished. However, over the years it has become clear that, although punishment can stop a behaviour in the short term, it doesn't teach self-regulation, empathy or responsibility. What's more, it has been seen that punishment teaches children to avoid the sanction, which means they tend to lie more (to avoid punishment), are more afraid of making mistakes and don't take on limits and rules because they are fair, but to avoid being hurt.
So, the day you're not there to impose a sanction, what will stop them?
That is why, instead of punishing, the recommendation is to teach, with affection and from within the relationship, what they have done, what the consequence is, and what they can do to put it right, if it can be put right: "You took that boy's toy, and now he's crying: what can you do?"
Firmness and respect can go hand in hand
Another false dilemma: either I'm firm or I'm respectful. If you think you have to choose, you don't understand what firm means, or you don't understand what respectful means. Or neither.
Firmness is clarity, consistency and constancy. It means holding to a decision even if that decision makes your little one angry: "No, sweetheart. You've already had a sweet. That's enough for today." "I understand you want another sweet, but I'm not going to give you any more today." "I know, but we're not having any more sweets today"… and you can carry on like this until your little one gets bored, gets tired of you or gets even angrier. But it doesn't rain forever, and little ones don't stay angry forever. After a while they'll be tired of asking, they'll realise that your decision is firm, and they'll choose to ask for something else, go off and play, or come for a hug so you can help them calm down, because it was very hard to cry so much over a sweet they didn't get.
And you won't have been disrespectful to them even once. What's more, you'll even have acknowledged their emotion.
In the end, your little one doesn't learn that "my mum or dad is a pain because they never give me the sweets I want", but that "my mum or dad doesn't always give me what I want, but at least they're a good person". In other words, "at least they tell me with respect".
I'll say it again: in the end, it is above all a question of manner, not of substance.
How to set respectful limits in practice
Talking about limits is relatively easy. Applying them day to day, when you're tired, in a hurry and dealing with intense emotions, is another story. That's why this part is key.
Clear and specific limits
A respectful limit is not ambiguous. The younger the child, the clearer it needs to be. Saying "Behave yourself" is not the same as "We don't hit. If you're angry, I'll help you calm down."
Vague limits create confusion and more conflict, because children don't understand what you expect of them. Specific limits, on the other hand, help the child anticipate and understand:
"I can see you're very angry. I'm not going to let you hit. If you like, I'll help you sort out the problem."
Consistency between adults
One of the great pillars of limits is consistency at home. This doesn't mean that both members of the couple (if there is one) have to think the same about everything, but that they agree on the essentials.
When one adult says yes to an important limit and the other says no, the child doubts the limit and decides to test what happens if they cross it.
And mind you, sometimes disagreeing is enriching, because it starts a discussion our little one can take part in. But I repeat, on the essentials, we must be consistent, because that way we will be consistent as a couple and give them security. Otherwise, the little one will be more nervous and anxious, because they won't know when to do what, or in front of whom, and they may end up living on alert in a place (their own home) where they should feel completely safe.
Few limits, but important ones
Not everything deserves a limit. Trying to regulate every gesture, every emotion or every decision is exhausting for the adult, and awful for the child, who feels straitjacketed in their daily life. Children need to be able to play, run, jump, explore… in short, they need to be able to be children. So we can't expect to set limits so that they behave as if they were 45 years old, when they are 4 or 5.
So yes, limits, yes, but the important ones, which are those to do with:
- Safety
- Respect for others
- Self-care
Choosing a few clear limits is far more effective than imposing lots of them that are impossible to sustain.
Anticipate before you forbid
Many conflicts can be avoided by anticipating. For example: "Today, as it's Sunday, we're going to watch an episode of the cartoons you love. When the music at the end comes on, we'll switch off the TV and play something."
Another example: "Let's play cars. After playing, we'll tidy up together and go and have dinner."
Anticipating doesn't always prevent anger. It's very likely that when they finish playing they'll say it's very tiring and unfair to pick up the cars scattered all over the dining room… but at least it reduces the surprise, and that is already a great help for an immature brain.
Holding the limit even when there are tears
Tears don't mean the limit is wrong. They mean the child doesn't like it. That is why holding a limit calmly, while staying with the emotion, is one of the hardest tasks… but also one of the most valuable.
Let's take an example: "I know you want to keep playing. It's hard to stop. But it's late, and we should already be in bed. Let's start finishing up and, if you like, I'll stay with you until you manage to calm down."
My father used to say "Bed!", and it seemed unfair, arbitrary and authoritarian to me. That's why I prefer to explain it and accompany them. Because, even if the little one doesn't like it, they feel held in their unpleasant emotion.
Common mistakes when trying to parent with respect
We're going to get it wrong. And that's fine. Because our elders didn't usually explain limits to us properly; they imposed them. So some days we'll be too demanding and others we'll be more permissive. It's normal: we are finding our own balance while trying to help a toddler who has just started walking, legs wide apart and steps clumsy, keep their balance on a tightrope.
This leads us to make mistakes such as:
Explaining too much
Explaining isn't bad, but explaining too much overwhelms rather than regulates. The little one feels they are on the same level as you, that they can debate the limit and perhaps manage to knock it down. A young child doesn't need long speeches: they need presence and clarity.
Negotiating everything
Much the same: not everything is negotiable. When everything is negotiated, the child doesn't know what depends on them and what doesn't.
Changing limits depending on your mood
If something is fine today and not tomorrow, the limit stops being a limit. Consistency matters more than perfection.
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Conflict is not the enemy. Emotional abandonment and the absence of limits are. Of course, it is much easier to let the little one do whatever they want. But it isn't what we want. There are adults who were never told no and were indulged in everything, who still believe they can do whatever they please with others, and to others. Sadly, I've met more than one, man and woman alike.
What a family gains when there is respect and there are limits
That is why, when limits are clear and applied with respect, something very important happens. In that home there are fewer power struggles and more connection, there are children who feel safe and adults who are calmer.
Not because conflicts disappear, but because everyone learns to resolve them without a constant battle.
- If this approach to parenting interests you, you can keep reading our guide "Parenting calmly and without guilt".
