"Help me to do it myself." — Maria Montessori✨
Surely you've heard it a thousand times: "Me alone!" 🙋 is one of the classic childhood demands, along with "It's mine!" 🧸 or "Mom!". ❤️
That moment when your child is going to get dressed, put on their shoes, decides they are going to eat without help 🍴 or that they are going to pour their own water, because they know (or think) they can.
It's the beginning of their personal childhood autonomy, and the beginning of that time when you think "Lord, take me now" 😅 or a little less fatalistically: "Lord, let this phase pass quickly" 🙏. And if you let them do it, you'll be cultivating their autonomy and your patience, but at the same time, you'll feel the seed of anxiety living in your chest sprout at times.
If you've ever felt a mix of tenderness and impatience watching your little one struggle to pull up a sock, to press the elevator button when it's clear they can't reach, or you see them eating by picking up food with one hand, putting it on the spoon, bringing it to their mouth, and then seeing it fall off again, this post is for you 🤔.
What is childhood autonomy and why is it important?
Childhood autonomy is the ability that little ones gradually develop to do things by themselves, make decisions, learn from their mistakes ❌➡️✅ and take care of themselves to the extent appropriate for their age. It can range from choosing the clothes they want to wear (rain boots on a 34-degree sunny day, or shorts on a cold, stormy morning) 👗🩳, to trying to eat with a spoon 🥄.
And these might seem like trivial things, but in reality, it goes much further, because it has to do with the ability to feel capable and confident participating in decisions that directly affect their life and well-being.
So, it's not as simple as "letting them do it," but rather letting them know and feel that we trust them. 🤝 Because when a child feels they can, that we trust them because they are competent, magic happens. They learn to solve problems, to make mistakes without fear, and to ask for help when they need it. In short, their personal childhood autonomy is built, and overall development is cultivated, because we are telling them: I trust you, I know you can, and I'm here if you need me.
The "Me alone!" moment: needs behind independence
When your little one surprises you one day (usually around age 2) with the phrase: "Me alone!", they are making a great declaration of independence. Behind it there is no rebellion or whim, they are not challenging you; it is a vital need: to explore the world from their own experience 🔬.
They want to put on their Feroces shoes themselves 👟, even if they end up putting them on backward. They want to eat their yogurt themselves, even if half of it ends up distributed between their shirt and the table. They want to get into the car themselves 🚗 and fasten their own harness (here this response would be good: "I understand you want to do it alone. Do it, and then I'll help you finish putting it on properly" —safety is not negotiable—).
As we discussed the other day, they have to try, to make mistakes and get frustrated if they don't succeed. They have to look for new solutions, make new attempts, and make mistakes again. Until finally they succeed and feel incredibly proud 🥳.
"Children should be able to make their own experiments and research. Adults can guide them by offering suitable materials, but the essential thing is that, for a child to understand something, they must construct it themselves." — Jean Piaget
And all of that is a wonderful learning process that we must accompany with patience, affection, and humor 🥰. Yes, with humor too. Because when they say they're dressed and you see they look like a Picasso painting, you're going to laugh (but please, don't let them see you do it, so they don't feel you're laughing at their effort or their result). Laugh inwardly, take a picture that will become an anecdote and take it in stride, because otherwise, you run the risk of giving in 😂.
How to encourage childhood autonomy without getting frustrated
Autonomy is not taught, it is accompanied. Here are some keys:
- 👕 Offer simple options: Have comfortable clothes they can put on and take off. Easy-to-put-on shoes. Here, Feroz's respectful footwear philosophy makes a lot of sense: they are closed shoes designed so that little ones can put them on themselves, cultivating confidence and autonomy. Likewise, put their cups and cutlery within reach, the water they want to pour, napkins... and even a small cloth to clean crumbs from the table.
- 📅 Create visual routines: Through photos, drawings, or routine charts, you can organize the days so they know what to do and when, without depending on adults.
- ⏳ Offer time: Haste is the enemy of autonomy. If they need five more minutes to put on their coat, let them have it. If one day you don't have it, use diplomacy and validate feelings: "Sweetheart, I know you want to put on your jacket by yourself. And I love that. However, we're late. Today I'm going to help you put it on, but we'll try to leave earlier so you can do it yourself every day." Will they cry and complain even if you say this? Yes, it's very likely. But at least you'll be able to leave quickly, arrive on time, and you won't have disrespected them.
- 🧼 Accept mess: Learning involves getting dirty, making mistakes, and trying again. It's part of the process, and we must understand it that way. You live with a human cub. It would be worrying if they didn't get dirty...
- 🤗 Ask for help when needed: Autonomy doesn't mean doing everything alone all the time. It's also about learning to say "I can't, can you help me?" And coming with affection and patience, to lend a hand as a guide.
And something fundamental: don't correct immediately. Accompanying is neither leaving them alone nor doing things for them. It is being present, available, observing and intervening when they ask for help or you truly feel they need it.
Benefits of childhood autonomy
When we accompany the development of childhood autonomy without pressure, the benefits multiply:
- 💪 Greater self-esteem and self-confidence.
- 🎯 Better development of fine and gross motor skills.
- 🧠 Greater decision-making ability, conflict resolution, and more patience, which is wonderful preparation for life.
- 🤯 Better relationship with mistakes.
- ❤️ More respectful and empathetic bonds at home.
Conclusion: supporting autonomy with patience and respect
The "Me alone!" can be a challenge for families, but it is, above all, a gift 🎁. It's how children show us they are growing, that they feel capable and want to try. Our role is to be by their side to accompany them with patience, empathy, and trust 👨👩👧👦.
"Never do for a child what they can do for themselves." — Rudolf Dreikurs
Thus, autonomy does not become a battle, but an opportunity to grow together. Because there is nothing more beautiful than seeing our little ones discover what they are capable of, while knowing that we will always be there to attend to them if they stumble 💪.
Armando Bastida - Pediatric Nurse
