Parenting calmly in noisy times: how to practice guilt-free parenting in a world of over-demands

What does parenting with calmness really mean?

Parenting with calmness is not observing your child doing whatever they want, without setting boundaries, looking the other way like "I don't care" (although sometimes you feel like it). Nor is it speaking in a low voice or becoming a kind of Buddhist monk.

Parenting with calmness is doing it while avoiding aggression, even when being firm in our convictions and decisions.

A calm adult can say "no" and be able to maintain it without losing patience, can accompany their little one's emotions with validation, or explain an important rule without shouting or humiliating. The key is not in what we say, but from where we say it.

Calmness as a skill that can be trained.

It is true that some people have a calmer temperament, and that others are more impulsive. But that doesn't mean that we can all reach a point where we can face life calmly (or with more calmness than now). And emotional regulation can be trained, it can be learned.

Just as children learn it and, of course, we try to help them with it, we can also learn it. In fact, we must learn it, because they learn from us! That's why, parenting with calmness starts by working on our own regulation. We are humans, and most of us were raised among shouting, threats, punishments when we did something wrong (and love, of course, when we were "good"). This means that, in daily life, and as a consequence of that inheritance, there are moments when we are overwhelmed, which usually happen when we are with our children. Due to stress, lack of sleep, or overload.

The culture of over-demandingness in mothers and fathers.

Never before has so much been expected of parents as now. Because of course, now we know much more about parenting and education, and it is expected that we do it better (and we also expect to do it better).

It is expected that we are present, that we play, that we stimulate, that we set respectful boundaries, that we offer healthy food, that we don't shout, that we don't punish, that we emotionally accompany, remember that on Thursday the child has to go in white for some activity... and that we also work, sleep, have a clean and tidy house, look good and have a partner life.

As much as we want to, it is practically impossible.

Over-demandingness in mothers: the invisible mental load.

Many mothers live with the constant feeling of being evaluated. If they work outside, guilt for not being at home. If they are at home, guilt for not contributing financially. If they get tired, guilt for getting tired. If they need space, guilt for needing it.

Added to this is the mental load: remembering doctor's appointments, birthdays, clothes that are too small, school assignments, menus... an endless list that is rarely seen but weighs like a ton.

Over-demandingness in fathers: new demands, old silences.

Fathers also face new expectations. They are asked for emotional involvement, presence, co-responsibility, a new fatherhood, a new masculinity... but often without clear role models, without guides or spaces to express their doubts or insecurities. In most cases acting as a secondary reference, often rejected by their own little one, who clearly prefers mom.

The result is that both arrive at the end of the day tired, with the feeling that they can't cope with everything, and of course, from exhaustion, it is very difficult to parent calmly.

How too much information affects parenting.

We look for answers and it turns out that we find so much information that doubts arise that we didn't have. One expert says one thing, another says the opposite, a social media account recommends something different... and we end up feeling that whatever we do, it will be wrong or insufficient. Because we feel that if we don't do it excellently, it won't be good enough. And we want to do everything perfectly, without realizing that we can't. Moreover, it's not necessary.

When everything is important, nothing is.

Not everything has the same relevance in parenting. Bonding, emotional security, and affection matter much more than the specific technique we use for eating, whether the cup you bought has the right shape, or whether today's game was more or less pedagogical.

Returning to the essentials reduces anxiety and restores a sense of control.

The link between guilt, fear, and personal exhaustion.

Guilt doesn't appear because we are bad parents. It appears because we often set too high a bar for ourselves.

Then we feel that we are not reaching it, that we have to give more of ourselves, guilt begins to become constant, and instead of giving us a boost, it wears us down and sinks us.

Why we feel guilty even when we do well.

Because the standard that many mothers and fathers set for themselves is impossible. We want to do it perfectly. We want to be like those mothers and fathers we see on social media or read about in books. And you can't. Because there will always be someone who does it differently or seemingly better. And there will always be an article that says we could do it another way when we had already chosen to do it our way—and even when our way works for us—.

The cycle of exhaustion.

I demand too much of myself. I get overwhelmed. I lose my patience. I feel guilty. I demand to do better. I get overwhelmed…

Breaking this cycle involves accepting that our children don't need perfect mothers or fathers. What they need are present mothers and fathers.

What guilt-free parenting is and isn't.

Parenting without guilt means we have to be a little kinder to ourselves. More compassionate. Accepting that we are going to make mistakes, and not punishing ourselves for every mistake.

That we are going to raise our little one with clear and consistent boundaries, or we are going to try, being aware that sometimes they will not be so clear, nor will they be so consistent.

And that's fine. Because it turns out that no one teaches you how to be a mother, how to be a father. You learn it day by day. Just as our child learns to be a child every day. Well, with the same understanding with which we treat our little one, because they don't know how to do it better, we will have to recognize that we don't know how to do it better either.

Back to basics: the pillars of calmer parenting.

If you look at babies and children, they need far fewer things than we (and they) think. Because many of the things they ask for, they fight for because they've seen them and believe they can't live without them. But in reality, they can.

What's more, if you ask a child if they prefer a new toy to play with alone, or to spend the afternoon with you, playing with what they already have, they will surely choose the latter. They prefer you, because it is you they need, above all else.

And not by planning an afternoon full of activities. It can be something as simple as being together to read a story, sing a song, dance to it, do a puzzle, paint, or hug while watching the sunset while you tell them things from when you were little. Because, pay attention: many children don't know that we were once children. And of course, they don't know what our childhood was like if no one tells them.

Practical strategies for calm parenting in everyday life

1. Lower expectations: don't impose impossibilities on yourself.

2. Simplify routines: let's go for easy, being together is more than enough.

3. Anticipate conflict situations: try to talk a lot with your little one, anticipating changes so they understand them better.

4. Pause before reacting: count to 10 before saying something you might regret.

5. Take care of your inner language: speak to yourself kindly; this is not easy at all.

6. Remember that child behavior is developmental, not provocative: your little one also doesn't know how to do better, and has very few tools. In reality, they do what they can.

Self-care as part of respectful parenting.

Lately, I've been reading people complaining about those who prescribe self-care. Because, apparently (note the irony), it adds pressure to mothers and fathers—especially mothers—who don't have time for everything.

We go back to the same thing: it's advice, it's not pressure. And the advice makes perfect sense. Because if we don't take care of ourselves, we're in trouble.

Beware, I'm not talking about making big plans: "since I have to take care of myself, I've decided to get a loan and go on a two-week trip to the Falklands." As a plan, it's great. But maybe it's better to do something lighter and at the same time more constant: go for a walk in a quiet area, talk to someone who knows how to listen... I don't think this is pressure. This is having a little bit of life. The least we can do.

What to do when you lose your temper (because it will happen).

“But Armando, have you never yelled at your children?” a girl asked me after a conference. “Well, yes,” I told her, of course. I'm not perfect.

We all yell sometimes. And we all react worse than we'd like more often than we'd wish. But there are days when we're running around like headless chickens. Weeks sometimes. Months... Sometimes I tell my partner: "I think I cry less than I should." Imagine.

Well, what I mean is: the important thing is not never to make a mistake, but to be aware of the mistake, to apologize, and to try to make amends.

Because, contrary to what many people think, apologizing to a child does not weaken authority. On the contrary. It teaches them that making mistakes is part of life, that they also have the right to err, and that this does not mean that the relationship will break, far from it. Love is above our mistakes.

—Do you love me, Daddy?
—Very much.
—How much?
—Even your flaws, and beyond.

Long-term benefits of parenting with calmness.

I believe that in reality, it is something that goes without saying. We have all been sons and daughters. Would you have liked to have been raised and educated with respect and calmness? Would it have been beneficial for you?
We will all answer the same: "I don't know if it would have been beneficial, but yes, of course. I wish I had been raised that way."

Well, speaking of benefits, in case anyone needs to know them:

● More emotionally secure children.
● Fewer power struggles.
● Greater family connection.
● Less exhausted adults.

Mind you, it's not miraculous. We'll still have disagreements and conflicts at home, because that's how coexistence is. The difference is that, when there are adults willing to face them calmly, the way we get through them changes a lot.

Parenting with calmness is possible, even in a fast-paced world

When we go sailing, we cannot choose the state of the sea. But we can decide how we are going to guide our little boat if one day there is a storm. And transmitting this to our children is, probably, the most difficult, and at the same time, the most valuable.

Parenting with calmness is not about doing it perfectly. It is about choosing the essential over the urgent every day. It is about looking at ourselves with more kindness. It is about remembering that our children do not need impeccable parents, but parents who are good enough.

• If you are interested in this parenting model, you can continue reading our guide on "Parenting with Boundaries".