You may have heard one of these phrases at the school gate 🏫, or even at home 🏠, from the person who is looking after your little one:
“Go now while he’s distracted, so he doesn’t cry.”
“Take advantage of the fact that he’s playing and sneak away without him noticing.”
They tell you this without any malice, thinking that the goal is to stop the little one from crying, without realizing that few things can cause as much confusion and anguish in a small child as discovering that mom or dad has disappeared without warning.
And it's not an exaggeration: for a baby or toddler, that sudden disappearance is something like reality, as they begin to know it, has no meaning: my mother evaporates! 😢
That's why today I want to talk to you about something essential for their development: secure attachment . Why it matters so much, and how we can foster it every day, even in those inevitable moments of separation.
What is secure attachment and why is it important? 🧠
Attachment is the emotional bond that a baby forms with their reference figures —usually mother, father, or primary caregiver—that allows them to feel protected, loved, and understood.
John Bowlby, British psychiatrist and father of attachment theory, summed it up with a phrase that changed the paradigm of care:
“The need for attachment is not a sign of weakness, but an essential part of human nature.”
When a child feels secure with their role models, their brain can relax. And instead of being on alert, instead of worrying about survival, they can focus on playing, learning, exploring, and growing. In other words, developing.
Therefore, caring for, nurturing, supporting, and containing your little one on a daily basis isn't about overprotecting, as many people believe, but rather about offering a stable base from which they can take off without fear, knowing that there will always be a place to return to.
Key features of secure attachment 🔑
Many people worry about attachment with their baby or toddler, believing that to develop a secure attachment bond, they need to be little more than a perfect parent. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your presence, consistency, and empathy are enough.
Mary Ainsworth, the psychologist who developed the famous “strange situation” to assess the bond between mothers and children, explained it this way:
“Parents’ sensitivity to their child’s cues is at the heart of secure attachment.”
1. Trust that mom and dad always come back 🔁
Babies aren't born knowing that things continue to exist even when they can't see them. This concept, called object permanence, develops around 8-12 months. Before that, if you leave, if they don't see you, if they don't smell you, you cease to exist. That's why they cry if you go to another room. And even if you tell them when you come back, "But honey, I was only gone for a moment, I'd be right back," they still have tears in their eyes and a pouty face, as if to say, "Yeah, but I don't know all that." That's why they need to be reassured that when you leave, you always come back.
2. Tranquility to explore the surroundings🧭
When a child knows their role models are stable and predictable, they can confidently move away. This inner security allows them to play, socialize, and experiment without fear.
The opposite would be feeling like mom and/or dad are responding erratically: sometimes, when they cry, they come to calm them down; but other times, they don't. Faced with uncertainty, the little one begins to feel that exploring and trying new things can be dangerous, because if they need them, they might not come.
3. Freedom to express emotions 😌
Secure attachment doesn't avoid difficult emotions; it embraces them. A securely attached child may cry, get angry, or be afraid because they've learned that their feelings don't distance them from their parents' love, but rather bring them closer.
And no, I'm not talking about being permissive with their actions: "I understand you're angry. It's normal to be angry, and you have the right to be. But I can't allow you to hurt me." If you notice, the emotion is allowed and validated, but it's not allowed to harm others with that emotion.
4. Emotional security as the basis of autonomy 🚀
The paradox of attachment is that the more secure a child feels, the freer they become . In other words, autonomy arises from accompaniment, not abandonment. Or as Eduard Punset used to say: "To be independent, you must first be dependent."
The mistake of leaving without saying goodbye ❌
Many parents have done it at some point, because they believe that by avoiding crying, they're taking better care of their little one. It's very natural to try to cause as little harm as possible to your little one, and yes, it may seem like it works. They close the door behind them, and there are no tears or drama. But when the child looks up and discovers that Mom or Dad is no longer there... what they feel isn't calm, but abandonment .
Suddenly, the security of knowing that if you need them, you can call them or go to them disappears. They're gone! And, consequently, what follows are days, weeks, or months of worsening separation anxiety:
- Crying at the slightest attempt to get away from you: "But son, I'm just going to the bathroom... I'll be right back." Meanwhile, your little one thinks, "I don't trust you, you'll disappear." He cries when he sees you leaving the room without him, or decides to follow you everywhere in the house.
- Waking up at night to check you're still there—just in case he wakes up and finds you've disappeared.
- Fear of being with other people : I'm sorry, but I have an important mission. Right now, I'm trying to keep my mom/dad from constantly disappearing.
- And that internal feeling of insecurity that he doesn't know how to explain, because he's still too young to develop language, let alone thought.
This isn't a whim or manipulation: it's pure biology. Your brain is trying to avoid experiencing that loss again, which makes you feel totally vulnerable.
How to foster secure attachment during separations 🤝
1. Always say goodbye 👋
Even if he cries. Even if it hurts him and it hurts you to see him like that. Even if he tries to grab you to keep you from leaving or to leave with you. Saying goodbye is a form of respect and trust. Can you imagine being at home with your partner, and suddenly he leaves without telling you he's leaving, without saying goodbye?
A simple, clear sentence, adapted to their age, is sufficient:
"I'm going to work. I understand you're sad. I don't like it when people I love have to leave either. But I'll be back later, and we can play together. I hope you have a great time."
And if your child is under 2, it can be even shorter. While you're holding him to comfort him, say, "Honey, I'm going to work. I understand you're sad. I'll be back later, and we'll play dress-up together."
2. Create routines for separating and reuniting 🔄
Children need predictable rituals. A song, a kiss on the hand, a special hug before you leave… and the same when you're together again. These small, repeated gestures help them understand that goodbyes always lead to reunions.
3. Stay consistent and calm 🌿
If you change your approach every day (one day you run away, the next you say goodbye, the next you stay for half an hour talking to them and trying to make them understand that you have to go), you increase their confusion. What they need aren't perfect parents, but predictable ones . Find your respectful strategy, and repeat it every day.
4. Promotes autonomy little by little 💪
Secure attachment isn't overprotection . It's not about avoiding all discomfort, but about being there for it. Helping your little one grow day by day will help them feel more secure even in your absence: starting to dress themselves, soaping themselves at bath time, drying themselves with a towel, putting their dishes on the table and clearing them away...
In short: saying goodbye is also loving 💞
Attachment parenting isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about doing it with awareness. It's about looking into your child's eyes, explaining what's going to happen, and trusting that their inner world is capable of sustaining them, or that little by little they will achieve it, because you're teaching them how to do so.
As Sue Gerhardt, psychotherapist and author of “Motherly Love” says:
“Early love literally shapes a child's brain. Experiences of comfort and security leave lasting biological imprints.”
Even if you think every goodbye is a wound, or that you're practically going to cause trauma, saying goodbye doesn't break the bond. On the contrary: saying goodbye strengthens it because it builds trust.
So the next time someone tells you, "Go now, while they can't see you," take a deep breath, smile, and remember: Your child doesn't need you to stop them from crying. They need you to teach them how to work through that emotion, and that they can count on you, because you'll always come back.
Armando Bastida - Pediatric Nurse
