Perhaps you've heard one of these phrases before, at the school gate 🏫, or even at home 🏠, from the person who looks after your child:
"Go now while they're distracted, that way they won't cry."
"Take advantage of them playing and slip away unnoticed."
They tell you this without malice, thinking that preventing the child from crying is the goal, without realizing that few things can cause as much bewilderment and distress in a small child as discovering that mom or dad have disappeared without warning.
And it's no exaggeration: for a baby or small child, that sudden disappearance is like reality, as they are beginning to know it, making no sense: my mother evaporated! 😢
That's why today I want to talk to you about something essential for their development: secure attachment. Why it matters so much, and how we can foster it every day, even in those unavoidable moments of separation.
What is secure attachment and why is it important? 🧠
Attachment is the emotional bond that a baby establishes with their primary caregivers—usually mother, father, or main caregivers—which allows them to feel protected, loved, and understood.
John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and the father of attachment theory, summarized it with a phrase that changed the paradigm of childcare:
"The need for attachment is not a sign of weakness, but an essential part of human nature."
When a child feels secure with their primary caregivers, their brain can relax. And instead of being on alert mode, instead of worrying about survival, they can dedicate themselves to playing, learning, exploring, and growing. That is to say: to developing.
Therefore, attending to, caring for, holding, and containing your child day-to-day is not overprotecting, as many people believe, but rather offering a stable base from which they can take off without fear, knowing that there will always be a place to return to.
Key characteristics of secure attachment 🔑
Many people worry about their attachment with their baby or child, and believe that to achieve a secure attachment bond, they need to be little more than perfect mothers or fathers. Nothing could be further from the truth. Your presence, consistency, and empathy are enough.
Mary Ainsworth, the psychologist who developed the famous “strange situation” to evaluate the bond between mothers and children, explained it this way:
“Parental sensitivity to the child’s signals is the core of secure attachment.”
1. Trust that mom and dad always come back 🔁
Babies are not born knowing that things continue to exist when they don't see them. This concept, called object permanence, develops around 8-12 months. Before that, if you leave, if they don't see you, if they don't smell you, you cease to exist. That's why they cry if you go to another room. And even if you tell them upon returning "But darling, I was only gone for a moment, I was coming right back," they still have tears in their eyes and a pouting expression, as if responding "Yes, but I don't know all that." That's why they need to check again and again that, when you leave, you always come back.
2. Peace of mind to explore the environment 🧭
When a child knows that their primary caregivers are stable and predictable, they can confidently venture out. This inner security allows them to play, socialize, and experiment without fear.
The opposite would be feeling that mom and/or dad respond erratically: sometimes, when they cry, they come to comfort them; but other times they don't. Faced with uncertainty, the child begins to feel that exploring, trying new things, can be dangerous, because if they need them, they might not come.
3. Freedom to express emotions 😌
Secure attachment doesn't avoid difficult emotions: it embraces them. A securely attached child can cry, get angry, or be scared, because they have learned that their feelings don't distance them from their parents' love, but rather bring them closer.
And no, I'm not talking about being permissive with their actions: "I understand you're angry. It's normal to get angry and you have the right to. But I cannot allow you to hurt me." If you notice, the emotion is allowed and validated, but it's not permitted for them to hurt others with that emotion.
4. Emotional security as the basis for autonomy 🚀
The paradox of attachment is that, the more secure a child feels, the freer they become. That is, autonomy arises from accompaniment, not from abandonment. Or as Eduard Punset used to say: “To be independent, one must first be dependent.”
The mistake of leaving without saying goodbye ❌
Many mothers and fathers have done it at some point, believing that by avoiding tears they are taking better care of their little one. It is very natural to try to do the least harm possible to your child, and yes, it may seem to work. They close the door behind them and there are no tears, no drama. But when the child looks up and discovers that mom or dad are gone… what they feel is not calm, but abandonment.
Suddenly, the security of knowing that, if they need them, they can call them or go where they are, disappears. They're gone! And, as a result, what follows are days, weeks, or months in which separation anxiety intensifies:
- Crying at the slightest attempt to move away: “But darling, I’m just going to the bathroom… I’ll be right back.” While your little one thinks, “I don’t trust you, you disappear.” They cry when they see you leave the room without them, or decide to follow you to every part of the house.
- Night awakenings to check that you are still there: lest they wake up and you have disappeared.
- Fear of being left with other people: I'm sorry, but I have an important mission. Right now I'm trying to prevent my mom/dad from constantly disappearing.
- And that internal feeling of insecurity that they don't know how to explain, because they are still too young to develop language, let alone thought.
It's not a whim or manipulation: it's pure biology. Their brain is trying to avoid feeling that loss again, which makes them feel completely vulnerable.
How to foster secure attachment during separations 🤝
1. Always say goodbye 👋
Even if they cry. Even if it hurts them and it hurts you to see them like that. Even if they try to cling to you to prevent you from leaving or to go with you. Saying goodbye is a form of respect and trust. Can you imagine being home with your partner, and suddenly they leave without telling you they're going, without saying goodbye?
A simple, clear phrase, adapted to their age, is enough:
"I'm going to work. I understand you're sad; I don't like it either when the people I love have to leave, but then I'll come back and we can play together. I hope you have a lot of fun."
And if they are under 2 years old, it can be even shorter. While you hug them to support their discomfort, say: "Sweetheart, I'm going to work. I understand you're sad. I'll be back later and we'll play dress-up together."
2. Create separation and reunion routines 🔄
Children need predictable rituals. A song, a kiss on the hand, a special hug before you leave… and the same when you are reunited. These small, repeated gestures help them understand that goodbyes always lead to reunions.
3. Maintain consistency and calm 🌿
If you change your approach every day (one day you sneak away, another you say goodbye, another you spend half an hour talking to them and trying to make them understand that you have to leave), you increase their confusion. What they need are not perfect parents, but predictable ones. Find your respectful strategy, and repeat it every day.
4. Gradually encourage autonomy 💪
Secure attachment is not overprotection. It's not about avoiding all discomfort, but about accompanying it. Helping your little one grow, day by day, will help them feel more secure even in your absence: for them to start dressing themselves, soaping themselves during bath time, drying themselves with a towel, setting their plates on the table, and clearing them...
In short: saying goodbye is also loving 💞
Parenting with attachment isn't about doing everything perfectly. It's about doing it consciously. It's about looking into your child's eyes, explaining what's going to happen, and trusting that their inner world can handle it, or that they will gradually learn to do so, because you are teaching them.
As Sue Gerhardt, psychotherapist and author of "Why Love Matters," says:
"Early love literally shapes the child's brain. Experiences of comfort and security leave lasting biological traces."
Even if you believe that every goodbye is a wound, or that you are almost traumatizing them, saying goodbye does not break the bond. On the contrary: saying goodbye strengthens it, because it builds trust.
So the next time someone tells you "go now while they're not looking," take a deep breath, smile, and remember: Your child doesn't need you to stop them from crying. They need you to teach them how to navigate that emotion, and that they can count on you, because you always come back.
Armando Bastida - Pediatric Nurse
