In recent years, respectful parenting has gained ground in family conversations, schools, social networks... and also in many homes where mothers and fathers have decided to break with the legacy of authoritarian parenting and are trying to do their best or, at least, a little better.
But along with this growing interest, a very common and at the same time very damaging confusion has arisen: the idea that respectful parenting means not setting limits.
That those who advocate for respectful parenting are letting their child do whatever they want, whenever they want, without intervening, watching their little one break things, bother others, shout, hit, scream, and run everywhere, disturbing acquaintances and strangers, without intervening.
And no. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Respectful parenting does not mean parenting without rules, without structure, or without adults to support. Respectful parenting means understanding what a child needs at each stage of their development, and acting accordingly, even when that means saying "no," stopping, redirecting, or managing a tantrum.
Because respect is not at odds with limits. In fact, without limits, there will hardly be respect. What is at odds with respect is fear, humiliation, and punishment with which most of us were raised at home and at school.
What is respectful parenting really?
Respectful parenting starts from a very simple idea: children are people with rights, emotions, and a developing brain.
This implies several important things:
- That their behavior is not always voluntary or controlled.
- That they are not born knowing how to regulate their emotions, impulses, or frustration.
- That they need adults who provide them with calm, judgment, and structure.
Respectful parenting does not mean treating a child like an adult, but rather adapting our expectations to their neurological and emotional maturity.
To respect is to:
- Accompany an emotion without ridiculing it.
- Set a limit without shouting or threatening.
- Explain things, as many times as necessary, even if we know they won't fully understand yet.
- Be consistent and predictable.
And, above all, to respect is not to delegate to the child a responsibility they cannot assume: that of self-regulation alone.
The great misunderstanding: respectful parenting is NOT permissiveness.
One of the most common mistakes is to think that, to raise children differently than we were raised, we have to do the exact opposite. If we were punished, humiliated, and shouted at, and we felt that all we had were unfair limits and prohibitions, then the opposite must be to raise children without these types of prohibitions, right?
Well no, that's not the opposite. The opposite of shouting is not being silent, but speaking in a normal tone of voice. Similarly, the opposite of setting limits in an authoritarian way is setting limits without causing harm.
And this is the great misunderstanding. Because many families have gone to that supposed opposite that is not. Believing that the problem was the "what," and not the "how." That the problem was the limits, and not how they were imposed on us. And they have believed that, in order not to emotionally harm a child, any conflict must be avoided. That setting limits frustrates. That frustrating is bad. And that, therefore, the "no" must be avoided.
But the reality is just the opposite. Children need limits to feel safe. They need to know what is expected of them. They need adults to guide the way when their brain cannot yet do so.
That is, permissiveness is not respect. Permissiveness is abandonment of the adult role.
When a child decides what time to go to bed, how much screen time to have, whether or not to hit other children, or whether they can run across the street, we are not respecting their autonomy: we are leaving them alone with something they cannot manage. We are, in fact, being profoundly irresponsible. And this has more than obvious risks, in every sense.
Why do children need limits?
Because they are little people with a developing child's brain, trying to understand how our society works and, at the same time, learning to behave appropriately according to our rules.
During the first years of life—and especially until 6-7 years of age—the brain areas responsible for self-control, planning, and emotional regulation are not mature. Therefore, it is most common for children to:
● Scream when they are frustrated.
● Hit when they don't get what they want through screaming.
● Become overwhelmed when something doesn't go as expected.
And here's the important part: they don't do it "because they want to," or because they are manipulative or bad people (or ill-mannered). They do it because they don't know how, nor can they, do it better yet.
But be careful, that doesn't mean you should just observe and say "it's normal, let them be, they're just kids." No, no. That's where the adult comes in, to set a clear, firm, and respectful limit: "You can't manage this on your own. I'm here to help you."
And that, although it sometimes causes anger or crying, is profoundly protective. It's like the player who doesn't feel like listening to his coach because it forces him to do many intense exercises, but then discovers that he gets the desired results: "Mom, Dad, sometimes you're a pain. But hey, when I listen to you, everything seems to go better."
Limits as a framework of security.
Limits are not a cultural invention or an educational fad. They are an evolutionary necessity. To understand this, we must look at child development and brain function.
Children are born with the most rational part of the brain under construction, and it will take many years to achieve what we consider mature development (between 25 and 30 years, in reality). Therefore, throughout that time, and especially in early childhood, children need adults to act as their "external brain." The concept of the external brain is a quite graphic way of defining us as guides, or as Jiminy Crickets, who accompany them to modulate, moderate, and shape their behavior.
Limits provide security.
A clear and consistent limit tells the child: "Someone is taking care of me. There's a framework. I'm not alone."
Emotional security does not come from permissiveness, but from knowing what can and cannot be done, and from seeing that the adult always responds predictably, and that what they say makes sense. When limits are clear, the world stops being chaotic and becomes understandable.
Therefore, letting a child do as they please is condemning them to emotional and social perdition. They will have a very hard time, and they will demand, with very conflicted behavior, authority figures to guide them. Do you remember the first day you entered IKEA? I made sure I was accompanied by someone who knew how to get in and out, because I was very capable of getting lost (even though there are arrows).
Limits teach self-control.
A child's self-control doesn't appear just because we demand it. Telling them "Control yourself!" has worked with zero children in the history of time, so we have to accompany them while they learn. And for this, they need a succession of experiences where the adult sets the limit and accompanies the emotion that arises.
"Don't paint on the wall." "No, not on that other wall either." "Nor on that other one." "We don't paint on any walls." "Oh, well, yes. On this one we can, because it's a chalkboard wall." "We paint on chalkboard walls, but not on ones that aren't chalkboards." "Oh, well, yes. On this wall we can paint, because it's at school and we're creating a mural."
So, do we paint on walls or not? Well, yes, but no, but sometimes for a child, it's not easy to understand limits, and they need to test them several times so that we can narrow them down and give them meaning.
That's why, first the child regulates with the adult. Later, they learn to regulate themselves like the adult. And only finally will they be able to regulate themselves in their own way, without the need for an adult.
Limits prepare for adult life.
Adult life is full of limits: social, professional, legal, emotional... A child who grows up without them does not become more free, but less prepared.
And it's that setting limits is not about making childhood harder, it's about training skills: tolerating frustration, accepting a "no," learning to wait, learning to negotiate, being cautious in certain scenarios and with certain people, knowing when you've made a mistake, apologizing, repairing mistakes you may have made...
Limits strengthen the bond.
Although it may seem contradictory, well-placed limits do not break the bond, they strengthen it. Because a child connects more securely when they feel that the adult is firm, stable, and protective.
The limit conveys a very powerful message: "I love you enough to take care of you, even when you don't like it."
I am sure that those of you who read me had a teacher who, in some way, changed your life for the better. Or whom you simply remember with great affection. I'm sure they had very clear limits in your relationship, and they informed you about them, and yet, you felt them to be fair and logical.
Parenting with limits: what it really means.
To continue untangling the thread, and to leave no doubts, let's clarify some concepts.
What limits are.
Limits are clear and consistent frameworks that protect the child, others, and the adult themselves. They are decisions made by the adult to ensure physical, emotional, and relational safety.
However, as the child grows, some of these decisions can be agreed upon, discussed, and negotiated. Because not all homes have the same limits, nor are they all equally important.
What limits are not.
Limits are not shouting, threats, blackmail, or arbitrary impositions. Nor are they endless negotiations or interminable explanations where we seem to apologize or justify ourselves eternally (because they end up feeling that, in reality, we don't even believe what we are trying to explain).
And no, limits are not punishments either. Because while limits protect, punishments harm. While limits teach, punishments impose. While limits seek learning, punishments seek obedience. And while limits accompany, punishments threaten.
Punishment is, in reality, a consequence imposed with the intention of generating fear, guilt, or pain to change a behavior. They are not created to seek understanding or reparation, but to cause harm and provoke submission.
For a long time, it was believed that this was the best way to educate children: if they do something good, they are rewarded. If they do something wrong, they are punished. However, over the years, it has been discovered that, although punishment can stop a behavior in the short term, it does not teach self-regulation, empathy, or responsibility. Moreover, it has been observed that punishment teaches to avoid sanctions, causing children to tend to be more deceitful (to avoid punishments), to be more afraid of making mistakes, and not to internalize limits and rules because they are fair, but to avoid harm.
So, the day you are not present to impose a sanction, what will stop them?
Therefore, instead of punishing, it is recommended to teach, with affection and from the relationship, what they have done, what the consequence is, and what they can do to repair it, if reparation is possible: "You took that child's toy, now the child is crying: What can you do?"
Firmness and respect can go hand in hand.
Another false dilemma: either I am firm or I am respectful. If you believe you have to choose, it means you don't understand the meaning of firm, or you don't understand the meaning of respectful. Or neither of the two.
Firmness is clarity, consistency, and constancy. It means upholding a decision even if that decision upsets your child: "No, darling. You've already had one candy. That's enough for today." "I understand you want another candy, but I'm not giving you any more today." "I know, but we're not going to have any more candy today..." and so you can continue until your child gets bored, gets tired of you, or gets even angrier. But it doesn't rain forever, and children don't stay angry forever. Soon they will have tired of asking, will realize that your decision is firm, and will choose to ask for something else, to go play, or to hug you so you calm them down, because it has been very hard to cry so much for a candy they didn't receive.
And you will not have disrespected them even once. What's more, you will have even validated the emotion.
Your little one, in the end, doesn't learn that "my mom or dad is a pain because they never give me the candies I want." But rather, "my mom or dad doesn't always give me what I want, but at least they're good people." That is, "at least they tell me with respect."
I insist, in the end, it is above all a matter of form, not substance.
How to set respectful limits in practice.
Talking about limits is relatively simple. Applying them in daily life, with tiredness, hurriedness, and intense emotions, is another story. That's why this part is key.
Clear and specific limits.
A respectful limit is not ambiguous. The younger the child, the clearer it must be. It's not the same to say: "Behave well" as "Don't hit. If you're angry, I'll help you calm down."
Vague limits create confusion and more conflict, because they don't understand what you expect from them. Specific limits, on the other hand, help the child anticipate and understand:
"I see you're very angry. I won't let you hit. If you want, I'll help you solve the problem."
Consistency between adults.
One of the great pillars of limits is consistency at home. This does not mean that both partners (if there is one) have to think the same about everything, but rather agree on the essentials.
When one adult says yes to an important limit, and the other says no, the child doubts the limit and decides to test what happens if they overstep it.
And be careful, sometimes, not agreeing is enriching, because it starts a debate in which our little one can participate. But I repeat, in the essential, we must be consistent, because that way we will be consistent as a couple, providing security. Otherwise, the little one will be more nervous and anxious, because they won't know when to do what, in front of whom, and it can make them live in alertness in an environment (their own home) where they should feel completely safe.
Few limits, but important ones.
Not everything deserves a limit. Trying to regulate every gesture, every emotion, or every decision is exhausting for the adult, and horrible for the child, who feels constrained in their daily life. Children need to be able to play, run, jump, explore... in short, they need to be able to be children. So we can't expect to set limits for them to behave as if they were 45 years old, when they are 4 or 5 years old.
So yes, limits, but only the important ones, which are those related to:
- Safety
- Respect for others
- Self-care
Choosing few clear limits is much more effective than imposing many impossible to maintain.
Anticipate before prohibiting.
Many conflicts can be avoided by anticipating. For example: "Today, since it's Sunday, we're going to watch an episode of your favorite cartoons. When the end music plays, we'll turn off the TV and play something."
Another example: "We're going to play with cars. After playing, we'll clean up together and go to dinner."
Anticipating doesn't always prevent anger. It's very possible that after playing, they'll say that cleaning up the cars, scattered all over the dining room, seems very tiring and unfair... but, at least, it reduces the surprise, and that's already a great help for an immature brain.
Upholding the limit even if there's crying.
Crying does not mean the limit is incorrect. It means the child doesn't like it. Therefore, upholding a limit calmly, accompanying the emotion, is one of the most difficult tasks... but at the same time, one of the most valuable.
Let's take an example: "I know you want to keep playing. It's hard to stop. But it's late, and we should already be in bed. We're going to finish up, and if you want, I'll stay with you until you manage to calm down."
My father used to say "To bed!", and it seemed to me unfair, arbitrary, and authoritarian. That's why I prefer to explain and accompany. Because, even if the child doesn't like it, they feel supported in their unpleasant emotion.
Common mistakes when trying to parent respectfully.
We are going to make mistakes. And that's okay. Because our elders didn't usually explain boundaries well; instead, they imposed them. So, some days we'll be too demanding, and others we'll be more permissive. It's normal; we are seeking our balance while trying to help a child who has just started walking, with wide legs and clumsy steps, balance on a tightrope.
This leads us to make mistakes such as:
Explaining too much.
Explaining is not bad, but over-explaining saturates and doesn't regulate. The child feels they are on the same level as you, that they can debate the boundary, and that perhaps they can overturn it.
A young child doesn't need long speeches: they need presence and clarity.
Negotiating everything.
A bit the same: not everything is negotiable. When everything is negotiated, the child doesn't know what
depends on them and what doesn't.
Changing boundaries according to mood.
If something is acceptable today and not tomorrow, the boundary ceases to be a boundary. Consistency is more important than perfection.
Avoiding conflict at all costs.
Conflict is not the enemy. Emotional abandonment and the absence of boundaries are. Of course, it's much easier to let the child do whatever they want. But it's not desirable. There are adults who were never told no and were indulged in everything, who still believe they can do whatever they please with and to others. Unfortunately, I've met more than one.
What a family gains when there is respect and boundaries.
Therefore, when boundaries are clear and applied with respect, something very important happens. In that home, there are fewer power struggles, more connection, children who feel safe, and adults who are calmer.
- If you are interested in this parenting model, you can continue reading our guide on "Calm and Guilt-Free Parenting"
Content created by:
Armando Bastida
Pediatric nurse with over 20 years of experience.
Father of three children and founder of Criar con Sentido Común, the largest online community for respectful parenting in Spanish.
Author, speaker, and communicator on parenting, education, and child health.
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